Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
