Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
