Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize