me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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