3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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