New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
