Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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