The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
