see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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