i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
