ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
