Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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