god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
