I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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