You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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