So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
