no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
