Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
