i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize