we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We're too hungover to prance.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
