I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
