It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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