Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
