I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
