I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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