I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
