I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
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