would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
