Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
