i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would fuck him just for his dog
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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