i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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