Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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