I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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