she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
