I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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