im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
