He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
