is wine microwaveable?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
