Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
