A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My dick has a subreddit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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