I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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