Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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