remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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