I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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