I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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