Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
