My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
