After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
