I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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