The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
