You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
two words: eviction party
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
