how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
