meet me or not, i'm out of control
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
