Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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