sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
