my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
