I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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