I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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